How Much of a People Pleaser Are You? Take the Self-Test.
Edition 16
Welcome to Edition #016 of People Please! My mission with this newsletter is simple—but ambitious: to help 100,000 professionals shift from being people pleasers to becoming culture-builders.
This People Please Edition explores the full spectrum of people-pleasing: what it looks like, what it costs, your people pleasing score, and how to shift from pleasing to leading at work.
One Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup—Yet People-Pleasers Try Every Day!
In every workplace, there are individuals celebrated for being helpful, admired for their empathy, and constantly relied upon. But behind the smiles and quiet competence, many of them are slowly burning out.
People-pleasers—the kind, compassionate souls who put others first—often carry a hidden cost. While their intentions stem from empathy, their behaviours are rooted in fear: fear of rejection, conflict, and disapproval.
Often praised for being “nice,” they bear both visible habits (like over-apologising and avoiding conflict) and invisible costs (like suppressed ambition, chronic guilt, and emotional exhaustion).
While they may create harmony in the short-term, unchecked people-pleasing creates long-term harm—for both the individual and the organisation.
The Hidden Cost of People Pleasers to the Workplaces
When people-pleasing becomes the cultural norm, organisations pay the price too:
Innovation stalls—honest feedback is avoided.
Resentment builds—emotional labor isn’t shared.
Burnout increases—the “nicest” people fall first.
Psychological safety breaks down—truth-telling feels risky.
People-pleasers often absorb dysfunction to keep the peace. But change happens when someone dares to speak the truth—with courage and care.
20 Common Traits of People-Pleasers
People-pleasers are often driven by the need to be liked, validated, or accepted. Here are the signs—some loud, others quiet:
Difficulty saying no
Over-apologising
Fear of conflict
Need for approval
Suppressing own needs
High empathy
Discomfort with praise
Excessive guilt
Low self-esteem
Avoiding honesty
Overcommitting
Difficulty making decisions
Resentment build-up
Chronic stress or burnout
Over-identifying with being “nice”
Struggling with self-advocacy
People-pleasing disguised as helpfulness
Avoidance of vulnerability
Fear of being a burden
Attracting takers or manipulators
Self-Assessment: How Deep Is Your People-Pleasing?
Let’s find out!
Instructions: I have shared a checklist below. For each trait that feels often true, give yourself 1 point. If it’s rarely or never true, give yourself 0 points.
Your Score: ___ / 20
Score Interpretation
0–5: Balanced Leader
You're grounded in both kindness and self-respect. You speak your truth, say no when needed, and don’t lose sleep over others’ disapproval.
✅ Keep doing what you're doing—and help others around you find their balance.
6–12: The Quiet Giver
You prioritise others often—but sometimes at the cost of your peace. You find it hard to speak up or ask for what you need. You’re empathetic, but your boundaries might need a tune-up.
🔄 Start building self-worth from within, not from others’ approval.
13–20: The Invisible Anchor
You're the emotional backbone for many—but at great cost. You keep the peace, even when you're falling apart. You may feel unseen, burnt out, or resentful, though others may never know.
🚫 It's time to stop abandoning yourself to support others. Start small. Say no once this week without justifying it.
Self-Reflection Checklist
Use this checklist to spot patterns. Check all that apply:
I say “yes” even when I want to say “no.”
I feel anxious when someone is upset with me.
I often apologise even when I haven’t done anything wrong.
I avoid expressing my real opinion to keep the peace.
I worry a lot about what others think of me.
I feel responsible for how others feel.
I try to fix others' problems, even when unasked.
I feel guilty when I prioritize my needs.
I rarely ask for help, even when I need it.
I feel uncomfortable receiving praise or compliments.
I downplay my own success to avoid standing out.
I often feel drained or resentful after helping others.
I avoid conflict at all costs.
I fear being seen as selfish.
I take on more work than I can handle to be liked.
I struggle to make decisions independently.
I try hard to be seen as "nice" all the time.
I change myself to fit in or be accepted.
I feel hurt if someone doesn’t appreciate my help.
I stay in uncomfortable situations to avoid disappointing others.
What’s Your Score: ___ / 20?
Are you are Balanced Leader, The Quiet Giver or The Invisible Anchor?
What Each Type Can Do to Shift from Pleasing to Leading
Balanced Leader – What to Keep Doing:
Model healthy boundaries: Help team members understand that saying “no” is an act of respect, not defiance.
Speak up for those who stay quiet: You can advocate for the Quiet Givers and Invisible Anchors.
Stay aware of slipping into over-functioning: High performers can also burn out silently.
The Quiet Giver – What to Start Doing:
Practice self-advocacy: Start with small requests. Ask for help. Share your opinion, even if it contradicts the majority.
Redefine kindness: Being kind doesn’t mean being invisible.
Build micro-boundaries: E.g., “I’ll get back to you tomorrow,” instead of “I’ll do it now.”
The Invisible Anchor – What to Stop Doing:
Stop over-giving as a way to feel worthy: You are enough, even when you’re not fixing someone else’s life.
Stop fearing disappointment: Disappointing someone occasionally doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.
Stop assuming your silence is protection: It’s actually self-abandonment.
Message for People Pleasers
When you constantly prioritise others over yourself, it may feel like love—but it’s often fear, wearing a mask.
People-pleasing may look noble, but over time, it:
Dims your voice
Depletes your energy
Distorts your identity
It’s time to shift:
From pleasing to leading
From guilt to boundaries
From being liked to being real
The healthiest workplaces don’t just reward performance.
They honour emotional truth.
Be truth-worthy. Be boundary-strong. Be the kind of professional who doesn't just keep everyone comfortable—but helps everyone grow including self!
Reflection + Action Prompt
“List 3 situations where you chose someone else’s comfort over your truth. What did it cost you? What boundary could you set next time?”
Best | Shikha Mittal | Founder, Be.artsy
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Why Trust Me?
Over the past 15 years, I’ve collaborated with 450+ organisations across 42 industries, designing and delivering learning and developing programs impacting over 500,000 professionals through my enterprise, Be.artsy. which I founded in 2010 in Delhi, India.
From small beginnings to global impact, Be.artsy has led the way in using learning programs to drive revenue. We're not just in the business of training—we’re in the business of Trainings with ROI! Today, we go beyond learning to deliver measurable impact.
Be.artsy’s learning programs are thoughtfully designed to evolve across three transformative stages. Stage 1 – Kickstarter (Awareness) focuses on igniting curiosity and introducing the core issue, planting the seed for change. Stage 2 – Mindshift (Sensitisation) aims to stir emotions, build personal connections, and help individuals realize what’s at stake. Finally, Stage 3 – Learning Journey (Consciousness/Skill-building) deepens understanding, equips participants with essential skills, and up-skill them to take meaningful, sustained action with tangible results. Reach out to Team Be.artsy at adarsh@be-artsy.com or megha@be-artsy.com.